A Different Kind of Inheritance

Have you ever given thought to what it should mean to be family. Notice I did not say what is family. We know the answer to that question. We are born into families without any choice. There is the hope they will be filled with love, caring, and guidance. While this is sometimes the case, for most of us it is far from reality.

What if I told you that you could earn your way into a special kind of inheritance. It would not be a traditional inheritance of money, real estate, or fame; but instead, an inheritance defined by you and earned by overcoming your past circumstances.

With this special inheritance you get the right to define the exact people that get to be in your family!

With this inheritance you could choose to change out whoever you want and create a new roster for your family with zero guilt attached. It would be an inheritance that allowed you to be born again into a family of your own making. While this may sound weird and you would prefer an inheritance of $10 million dollars, let’s imagine it for the next couple minutes as you read this post.

So, if this were possible to choose your own family members, how would you define this family? What a huge question.

The Golden Rule

It seems a safe bet would be to pick this new family with one well-known proverb. What if all your family members treated you the way they wanted to be treated and you did the same. As I think through my own blood family I was born into, some of the people pass this test: Love, Kindness, Encouragement, Being Honest Even When It Is Tough, Respect, Humor, and a focus on Lifting rather than dragging down. By no means do I want or need them to be perfect, but I would love to be able to count on them most of the time to not only have my back but also to stay in the foxhole with me in a fight. Those kinds of family members sound pretty great. They may be fighting their own demons from their past the same way I am, but they aren’t ruled, blinded, or crippled by them. They forgive, don’t hold grudges, and trade bitterness for hope. And the last thing, maybe most important of all, no matter how many times you fall trying to accomplish hard things, they have a hand ready to encourage you to try again. They Believe in You.

Your Inheritance

I want you to think about all that you have overcome. In no way am I saying you are at peace with your past, but just think about where you have come from and where you are standing today. Whether the ground feels firm under your feet or not, you have achieved what most people just dream about. You have earned the right to this inheritance and how you define it will likely define your legacy.

Spoiler alert: you are allowed to define what family is. You are allowed to set boundaries on those that don’t treat you the way you want to be treated. You are allowed to stand and be loved for who you are. You are allowed to be first in your story. So many of you lost your childhood so early and felt (and maybe still feel) responsible for the traumas that have happened to you. In just about every single case, I can tell you with total confidence that you are not. You don’t have to wait and hope for something beautiful to happen in your life.

You already happened.

Susana and I look at all of you and we see a light so bright and beautiful it makes us emotional. You have earned this special inheritance 10 times over. You have earned the right to include people in your family that love and support you in a healthy way. You deserve the right to set hard boundaries on those that do not treat you well for your own health and sanity. I encourage you to trust that the ones you need to set boundaries with have been acting immaturely for years. They need boundaries on how they talk to you, treat you, and how often they get to see you. They have been taking advantage of you with hopes that you will never realize how special and deserving you are. You are allowed to say to them, “The way you are treating me is not okay. If you can’t stop, I will have to limit my contact with you.” Then as you would with a child you are trying to teach to be nice, stick to your word. Limit the contact.  If you resume contact, hold to the rules and if they break them limit contact for longer the second time. When you set that boundary and refuse to allow yourself to be treated poorly, I hope they correct their behavior. I hope more than anything they do. Sometimes they do and sometimes it can take years to start making progress. Either way, know you are doing it for yourself because you are worth it. We hope they will change, but we can’t control that. I know setting boundaries hurts, but the dangers of not setting them can be generational.

Let me give you two scenarios to illustrate the point:

Scenario 1

You start a family of your own and have a partner and eventually a child. All the members of your traditional blood family visit and in front of this family you have built you allow them to mistreat you (and possibly your partner and child) with cruelness or abuse or indifference. After the damage is done, you make excuses for them saying that is just how they are and it can’t be helped. What are you teaching and modeling for your child about how they deserve to be treated?

Scenario 2

You use your special inheritance and surround yourself with a family of your choice where you are treated with love and respect 90 percent of the time. Your happiness is infectious to your family. The 10% of the time you deal with family members you struggle with; you have firm boundaries and if they cross them, there are immediate consequences modeling to your child that you deserve to be treated with kindness and love. You take the time to talk to your child after that they deserve to be loved and treated with respect and that you will defend and protect them.

I know the choice is obvious, but I write this illustration with purpose.

YOU are the child in these stories. Which story is true for you? If it is the first, boundaries will be hard for you, but are so necessary. If you don’t start using them, the cycle will continue.

I hope this convinces you to define this special inheritance wisely. Surround yourself with a deserving family of your own choosing.  Do it well and it will heavily influence your legacy.

Your Legacy

Your legacy is exactly that. It is yours to define and own. For better or worse, the only thing I know for sure is you will be at its center. Before you begin your race toward it, I hope you will stop for a moment and drop to one knee. I hope while there you can look that kid you used to be in the eyes and smile. Maybe give them a kiss on the cheek, a long hug, and let them know you are going to protect them because they are special and deserving. And to prove to that inner child they are worthy of love and protection you are going to hold those same standards for yourself. Make that promise to yourself and you can truly help others with authenticity in the future.

Last question: After you define your inheritance and surround yourself with a family of your choosing, how will you define your legacy? How many people will you encourage, lift, and help? Will it be through an invention, a company, medicine, good deeds, mentorship, charity, or all of the above? I don’t know. But I know this. We read your applications, and we chose you. We chose you to treat with Love, Kindness, Encouragement, Being Honest Even When It Is Tough, Respect, Humor, and a focus on Lifting rather than dragging down. Vida Valiente is the inheritance Susana and I defined and it will be a beautiful legacy to behold.